spiritual awakenings

~This is a very trying time when doubt is cast on your most cherished ideals and lofty dreams. If you are a religious person, you may have the sobering realization of inconsistencies in your spiritual philosophy or hypocrisies within the church. Doubts about your spiritual path can bring you to a crossroads in your thinking and attitude toward life. It is common for the current energy to bring about a general feeling of discontent with life, lack of motivation and energy and negative attitudes and moods, perhaps without any apparent cause. These can lead you to poor health habits such as insufficient exercise, eating junk food, smoking and drinking to excess. Fight off these negative tendencies by taking a more active interest in spiritual, religious, idealistic and charitable activities~

  

It seems to me that over the past 3 years or so, my spirituality has been evolving. Evolving away from the Catholic Church and into something that is more...creator based? For example, something that I cannot seem to reconcile is that people who are 'gay' are wrong, are sinners, are bad people, etc, etc. Some of my closest friends are gay, and they are the most wonderful, loving people I've ever met. Who am I to say that who they choose to love is wrong? And, why is it such a big deal anyway? What about all the other crap going on? The priests who molest little boys, and the fact that many a war has been started in the name of "my religion is right, and yours is wrong"?

When I go to church, the feeling that I had when I was in high school, when I was very much involved and exploring what it meant to be a Catholic, is gone. I am spiritually dry there. I still believe in God, and Jesus, and what that means....but looking at the story of Christ, I feel that the Catholic church has turned into what the Jewish faith was during His time. All robes and rituals and smoke and money. To me, Jesus was beyond that. He was feeling something different. He was with the common people- those who were living their lives the best way they knew how, and who probably were far from perfect. I am finding as I read about religion in the East, that a lot of the messages and teaching of Jesus are similar to Buddhist teachings. The Dalai Lama 'preaches' the same messages of love and how to achieve happiness in his teachings.

I think I'm just traveling a spiritual path that is allowing me to get in touch with my spirit and how it's connected to everything in this world. The energy that flows through me is the same energy that flows through all human beings, all of nature, all of the cosmos, and the Creator him/herself. And what I'd like to focus on is living a life that is constantly in touch with that limitless energy. I've been doing a lot of yoga, something that I've done on and off for the past couple of years, but this time, there's a different feeling to it- my reasons for doing it have changed. So I'm about to start reading about the actual teachings of yoga and the history and what it all means. I've also been reading some books on Buddhist teachings, and I am finding a real connection with what I'm reading. 

Rather than feel disheartened by the fact that my views on religion and spirituality are changing, I'm trying to find new ways to connect with that spirituality that has always been a part of me, even before I became a 'Catholic.'

life after...

For the last four years of my life, I have been on the road with the national tour of a show called Jesus Christ Superstar, on and off. I landed the job in June of 2006, after finishing my bachelor's degree at NYU the month before. I had no idea what I was about to experience. Rehearsals began in August of 2006, and over the past four years, I've seen 48 states, Canada, and over 200 cities. I've done the show over 700 times. I say all of this because, in essence, the show and being on the road was my life. I never had the time after college to settle into a new apartment in the city, continue the relationships that I had made with all my college friends, and hit the audition scene. In the past four years, I moved once, to Astoria, for a year lease, but only stayed in the apartment 4 months before leaving for tour. Permanence was not my thing. Returning each year to the show, friends I had made left, new people were cast, and the experience changed, always in a way that allowed me to grow more. Hotel rooms, upright buses, and finally, a sleeper bus with a bunk were the places I lived life. I broke up with my high school 'sweetheart', met my birth father, finally met my half brother, gained a few friends that have turned into my family, and found the love of a lifetime, all while on the road. I also made mistakes, learned from them, and had enormous amounts of growth and change that have shaped me into the woman I am today. Our show closed in Boston, on May 9th, 2010, and saying goodbye was one of the hardest things that I've done. When you spend so much time with a show, it leaves its mark on your life. The relationships with people, the exchange of energy between the cast, and between the cast and the audience, is something that I can't even describe. I've poured my soul into the show each time it's gone out on the road. The last shows were filled with tears, and a feeling that something important in my life was passing away, and I was mourning it. I still am. And now that the journey has ended, I'm trying to build some semblance of a life from pieces that I've scattered around over the last four years.

part of a large collection of hotel keys accumulated over 5 months

Right now I'm living at home, using this time to 'recover' and get myself together because I'm taking a huge step soon- moving back to NYC, but with my boyfriend of 2 years, whom I met on tour- hopefully by August. It's the beginning of something new, and I'm overjoyed that my love and I are starting it together. I'm hoping that I can settle myself and adjust to living the 'normal' life of an entertainer. I'm hoping that I can use my talents not only in musical theater, but in other areas as well.


I'm hoping that I can use this blog to document and work through whatever 'life after tour' is...

E and I right after the last Superstar show EVER 2010