finally...

Waiting, and waiting. That's what it seemed like I had been doing forever. In fact, I was waiting for going on 5 weeks for something to happen with my unemployment. After being told last Tuesday that I had to wait for a letter telling me whether or not I was denied or would be receiving unemployment, I was very frustrated. 7-10 days for a simple decision? It was either yes, or no. Monday rolls around and still no letter. So I go online to the Maryland Unemployment website, and I look to see if there is any way that I can find out whether or not they were paying me. There was and so I checked, and lo and behold, there it was: the page showing me that I had been allotted the money that they owed me for those 5 weeks. THANK GOD! Immediately I screamed and felt the world lift off of my shoulders again.

So here I am, back on financial track, and feeling like I can take part in my life again. Money is a big deal, at least for me. It's not that I want to have a lot of money- it's just that I want to have enough to survive on a day-to-day basis. And now I have that again, and it feels good. I can put back the money I took out of my savings account (plus a little more) and feel good knowing that, yes, I AM moving in August. It's going to work out now. 

E and I backstage after a show in Tempe, AZ

I'll be flying out to Florida tomorrow to finally be with E. It's also been 5 weeks since the last time we were together, so I am very excited to see him, to say the least. And this time it's going to be different for us, because, unless one of us gets a job and we have to be apart for that, we will no longer be a 'long-distance' couple. We met and starting dating while doing JCS in 2008, and every time one part of the tour ended and we had some months before the next go round started, we were long distance, since E is from Florida and I'm from New York. So we visited each other back and forth throughout the past 2 years, and we finally were 'roommates' on this last leg of Superstar. It was great, and really showed us that we really could and really wanted to have a place together. E is going to make the move with me to NYC in August, which is kind of a big deal, since neither of us have ever moved in or lived with a significant other before. It'll be different than just sharing a hotel room together, but it just feels right, and we both feel like it's the next step for us to take. I couldn't be happier.

So here's to my mini-vacation in Florida with my Sugar (yes, that's what I call him)- I'm hoping that we have a wonderful time together, since we finally get to take a real vacation (going somewhere fun without having to do a 5 show weekend, or an 8 show week) this coming Saturday. And then we are going to see some Phish shows 4th of July weekend, so it's going to be a blast for the next few weeks!

bumps in the road...

Right now, I am what you'd call an...unemployed singer/actor. I have not auditioned for anything since I've come home from Superstar. I decided that I need a moment to figure out where my life is actually headed before I jump into that whole musical theatre cattle call scene. I've been home with my parents for the past month or so, and my original plan was to substitute teach while I was home, so I could make some money and be okay for the summer. Here's the thing about that: the payroll schedule for substituting in Paterson, NJ is dumb. And by dumb, I mean, if I started working the week I was home, early May, I wouldn't get a paycheck until June 15th for all of that work, and that paycheck would only have 2 days of work on it, and then I would have to wait until the end of June for a substantial paycheck. Being that I have a lot of bills to pay (cell phone, health insurance, student loans, and 2 credit cards), this was not an option. I was happy though, because I knew that I could go on unemployment for couple of months until August when I moved into the city again. So, I had money in my savings account for the apartment, and I was going to be able to live off of my unemployment. Good deal. Enter the bump in my road. After waiting 4 week for my unemployment to clear, I get a letter from them saying that I needed to have an appointment, because according to the Paterson Board of Education, I was "discharged." WHAT? Mind you, I'd been receiving calls from subfinder to come in and substitute to the point where I put the 'unavailable' on my number because I wasn't going to come in. But I was NOT fired. So after trying to speak with the happy, helpful people who worked in the unemployment office in Maryland, I was forced to wait until this past Tuesday for my "appointment."

On a side note, I have come to realize that there has been a pattern/cycle that I've been falling into probably since my senior year of college. It's my inability to really a) save money, and b) have enough money to live and pay my bills. After years of overdrafting and accumulating a credit card debt that haunts my dreams, I thought that over this past year or so, I was FINALLY getting my sh*t together. I got a checking account that I could not overdraft from even if I tried, I opened a savings account and was planning to save money on this last leg of tour, and I was working and living and paying my bills on time. Until this unemployment mess.

I was anxiously awaiting Tuesday and what would happen, and hoping and praying that this would be something that I could easily fix. I was never fired, someone must have made a mistake, I just ended a contract, and I am unemployed. Pretty simple. Until the phone conversation with my "case worker." He seemed so confused by the idea that as a substitute teacher, I worked when I was available to work, and when I wasn't available, I didn't work. I've been doing this on and off since 2005. Never a problem. He made me feel like I was lying to him about being fired, and that I didn't understand the system. I cried, I begged for a way to figure it all out. And then he asks about my last job (Superstar). How did he not have that information already? I've been filing every two weeks for the last month, so clearly, that information should already be there. He says he spoke with Paterson and the rest gets confusing. I think he said that I must have quit, since I was no longer able to work there now. Not true. I'm unavailable until next school year. But he insisted that it meant that I quit. Fine, but who said I was fired? No answer on that. He says that he's going to do everything he can to make it work somehow, and that I had to fax him my last pay stub from Superstar. And give him all the info about the employer (again, how did he NOT have that already?) So I faxed him all the info, and heard nothing back. I called yesterday to try to get in touch with him, and the best that I could do was to speak with a woman who put me on hold to go talk to him to ask if he got everything I faxed and if there was anything else that I could do, or needed to do. Nothing I could do. She then told me that I had to wait 7-10 more days for his "decision." Seriously?

 So here I am, waiting again. This coming Sunday will be the 3rd time I've filed my unemployment stuff. They owe me 3 checks. I have not received anything. And I still have to wait for a 'decision.' I've had to use the money that I saved from Superstar to pay my bills for this month. The only money I have left right now is the other chunk of money that I have saved for the apartment in NYC. At least my bills are paid, but I am scared as to what's going to happen. I am praying that they will 'decide' in my favor and I can get the money I am owed, which will put me back on financial track and ready to move. If not, I'm going to have to rethink everything. I already booked a plane ticket to Florida on the 16th, so I'm going no matter what. I'm trying not to feel like a victim, because that's not what I am, but I can't help but wonder why this had to happen now? When I've worked so hard to try to maintain and save, one person's mistake can screw it all up. It's forcing me really to take everything one day at a time, and to focus only on what's happening now, because I have no choice. I don't know when I'm going to get this letter, and I can't think and stress about it everyday. I just hope that it's all going to work out in the end. So I can get a fresh start on my  life. I wanted to leave all of that financial crap behind with Superstar. Release it, and start anew. I'm praying for the chance to do that.

'Release'

After spending the last few weeks reading blogs that covered everything from my friend's lives to bikram yoga, I recently stumbled upon a blog by a woman named Christine Kane. In one of her articles, she talks about setting one word as an intention for your whole year. It was supposed to be an alternative to the New Year's resolutions that people make every year that they usually don't follow through on. Given that I feel like I am starting a brand new year, a year in which Jesus Christ Superstar will not be on the horizon, I'm going to try to set my intention for the next year of my life without it.

Here's a little of what she says about intention and choosing a word:

What I’ve learned from putting this ritual into practice is that Intention — even in the form of a single word — is unfathomably powerful. Resolutions are fine, but they are often motivated by “shoulds.” As such, they remain trapped in the “Should Realm” — in our heads.

A word, however, contains energy, images and meaning. These are things our hearts and souls get excited about. And this is how transformation begins. Rarely does deep transformation happen because of “Shoulds.”


If I tried to embrace this word, I would start to cultivate a feeling of peace, and by releasing my hold on things that either don't fit into my life anymore, or are finished, I would feel more confident to try the things that I've been keeping in my mind for quite a while. As much as I've lived in an environment in which change is a huge part (changing hotels, changing cities, changing cast members), this time is different because that environment that I've lived with is gone. So now there is a huge empty space that I have to fill, and I don't want to be afraid of that emptiness. If I'm afraid, then I'm going to cling to the past, and cling to those behaviors that don't fit into this new part of my life.

I hope that a year from today, the negative behaviors that I've struggled with for years will finally be a thing that is in the past. I want to be in a place where I'm auditioning, hopefully I've booked the next job, and have settled comfortably in my new apartment with E. I hope that I will have gained a stronger connection to my spirit, and a confidence that has seemed to elude me for so long. I also want to incorporate some new things into my life: a regular yoga practice, more journaling, spending more time in nature, finding new hobbies, and taking more risks with my career.

sailing in Florida 2009

So here's to releasing my hold on the past, embracing the emptiness, and allowing it to fill up with bigger and better things.