Quote for the Week.

Monday Quote on Tuesday. (oops!)

This pretty much describes the last 8 days of my life. I am a hostess/busgirl/waitress at Bar30 in Rockefeller Center, and I've been working for my money! 12 hour shifts every day until yesterday when I felt like I hit a wall and was in pain and burnt out. So when I found out they were over staffed, I volunteered myself to get cut. Today I have a day off, and I have things to do, but my feet are hurting so bad I don't know what I'll actually accomplish today. I need to stay off of my tootsies. But I need to go out and buy comfortable sneakers so I don't have to feel like my feet are bleeding anymore when I'm working. Now that I have cash flowing in my life, I can go buy shoes and other things I need! I'm going to work as much as possible, because really, with the money I'm making, it's definitely worth it! Stop by!

Monday Quote and Operation 27.

 

Operation 27 has begun. What might that be, you ask? I'm going to turn 27 in 5 weeks. I feel that this year will be an important one in my life. I want to be accountable for following through on all of the dreams I have, big and small.

accountability:

the answering for one's actions and accepting the consequences.

Being accountable doesn't mean that I must achieve EVERY SINGLE dream that I have, it just means that I am counting on myself to spend way more of my time trying to achieve whichever ones I can, in the hopes that I'll build a foundation for successes over the next few years. And I am putting the power to fulfill  my dreams and create my life in my own hands, rather than rely on everything and everyone around me. 

The most obvious being professionally. Singing for a living. In whatever capacity I can- it can be on Broadway, regional theaters, or in cabarets, variety shows, clubs...whatever. 26 was the first year in my entire recollection of my life that I did not sing as much. And that is devastating to me, because singing is what drives my spirit. And this past year, it just kind of fell away. Because I wasn't touring, or in school rehearsing, practicing, perfecting, and so the opportunities were few, and I didn't really go looking for them. I will look for them. What else? I want to be in commercials! I've been thinking about this for years now, yet after graduating college and having all of the commercial agencies in NYC at my fingertips (dangit!), I didn't do anything. I didn't follow through, and at that time, I really was too young and inexperienced to know what the heck I was doing. Well, times are different now, and I do know what I'm doing, and I know at least a few ways to dip my toes into the commercial waters.

This is the year that I will devote more attention and time to changing my unhealthy habits, mainly in regards to my relationship with food. I can give myself credit on this one, I know that I have come a long way from that girl in college who put all of her self worth into how much control she had over eating, and how 'small' she appeared to be, not realizing that the smaller I made myself, the more power I took away from myself as a human being. I don't want to go down that road again, and I'm not saying I am, or will, I just want to be aware that I still tie my emotions into food, and it's not always in a healthy way. I can't punish myself for being unhappy through food. I want to have a healthy relationship with food, bottom line. I can see the light at the end of this tunnel, I'm just going to work harder at getting there.

This is also the year that I explore where my spirit has gone. It's there, but it's no longer necessarily attached to organized religion of one form or another. Most of my life, I've found that I had easy access to my spirituality- my connection with my higher energy, or power, or whatever it is. I feel like I've lost a little of that 'connectedness', and I would like to devote time to finding it.

I would like to get a better handle on my finances. And that doesn't mean I want to be rich and buy expensive things (except maybe for shoes :-p). I want to pay down my debt, and build a real savings, and not live paycheck to paycheck with constant worries about how I'll make it month to month. I will find the balance. Even if I have to read a hundred books on money management!!

I feel like I'm at a point in my life where it's time to level up; get a better understanding of who I am, where I stand in the world, and what I'm capable of. I'm feeling the call for growth and change, in a positive way. I feel like I've been through so much and have the strength to tackle things that I've been afraid of taking on. I have so much to look forward to in the coming year (my first Equity show!!), things I don't even know about yet, but know that they'll reveal themselves in time. I guess New Year's Resolutions never really do it for me, and if I can keep my dreams in focus this year, I think it will open many doors for me.

Monday Quote.

I'm carrying this quote with me all through the week, so that when I'm lost in thoughts of the future, when I'll 'have this', and be able to 'do that', I can put myself right back into the present and focus. I'll try to find the joy and purpose in each moment. Although the last few weeks have not been easy, I believe with every part of me that everything happens for a reason, and I'm right where I need to be in my journey. I hope this quote speaks to you as well.

Monday Quote.

This quote really hit a nerve with me. It's true! I have a true talent for bringing my moods down. And it happens because of the things that are constantly running through my head, which usually have little to do with what's actually happening around me. If I could literally tune in to a different frequency in my head, another channel, the "positive thoughts" channel, or maybe just the "white noise" channel, perhaps I could just learn to chill out and accept the things I have no control over. Or on the other side, realize that I do have control over some things, and that I need to go ahead and make some decisions or choices about them, and then let them go and move forward.

Monday Quote.

Pride 2011.

  

 This will be my first time going to see the NYC Pride Parade since I've lived here, and I am very excited, given all of the historic things that have happened over the past year in our country and in my home state of New York. I guess I'm just happy for my friends- so many of them who are gay and in happy, healthy, loving relationships with their partners, and who have been some of the best friends I've had in my life. No matter what you think in terms of politics or religion, that's alright. I'm not here to fight with people over what is wrong or right. Everyone experiences their life from a different set of lenses, and goes through different experiences that lead them to their own set of morals, values, opinions and belief systems, and I can't be upset or argue or try to fight that. The only thing that upsets me is those people who turn to violence and hate in order to express their beliefs/views. The experiences in my life have led me to my own view, and I feel that everyone deserves the opportunity to be with the person that they love. Whatever I can do to support the right for a person, regardless of race, religion, political viewpoint or any other 'difference' that may come up, to be with the one they want to be with- I will do. Who am I to judge? Why is it any of my business anyway who you go home to at night? I just keep thinking that had I been born in the 1940s or 50s, it would have been illegal for me to marry or even date a white man, which is what I'm doing now. I would have been treated the same way as my friends and unable to follow my heart's desire. I can't help who I've fallen in love with. I'm blessed that today this is no longer an issue of legality (although I've felt my share of stares all around the country as E. and I have walked down the streets) and I can be with anyone I want to be with. So why would I try to prevent someone else from the same.

Love. Love one another as you would love yourself. Do unto others as you would yourself. That's really what it comes down to.

Empire State Building, NYC.

Alice Smith @ The Highline Ballroom.

I had to post about this. E. got us tix to see Alice Smith, an amazing singer who has not gotten the mainstream attention she deserves. Her voice is RIDICULOUS, and she's just amazing. L. introduced me to her way back in 2007 when she dropped her first album and let's just say I played it out. She has yet to release a sophomore effort, but she went through issues with her record deal, and now is on a new label and hopefully will be releasing something this year. Last night was incredible. It's another one of those times where I'm watching someone and I KNOW that I could be doing what they're doing, and am then reminded of how badly I want that. And the fire keeps burning inside of me, and I'm keeping my dream alive. I'll leave you with a YouTube clip of her, and a pic from last night.

Alice Smith 6.23.11 Highline.

Quote for the week.

Recharge.

I've been home for the past week now and I am realizing that as much as I may say otherwise, I enjoy being home. It's become a place where I can go to recharge. To get rid of all the emotional/spiritual/physical junk that I've accumulated over the past few months. It's like detox! It's very quiet here, and I can spend a lot of time on my own, reading, writing, and figuring things out. Not to say that I can't do that in NYC- but c'mon! It's New York! The city that never sleeps. I think that when I'm back in Astoria I'm going to try to start doing the things I keep telling myself that I'm going to do, but never do, mainly because traveling back and forth to work has kind of sucked the soul out of me. But now that I'm in the last week of this job, I know that a mini vacation is right around the corner, which equals more free time. Another good thing- as of next Thursday, I plan to never return to substitute teaching in NJ. Done with that phase. Moving on. I have a summer job lined up, where I'll be making more money and generally having more fun, and then it's time to get ready for the BUDDY contract. A huge step and another huge challenge for me.

I've been reading a lot lately, and the thing that keeps popping out to me is that we are able to create the life we want. So many times we tell ourselves stories, without realizing that these stories are outdated. They are from our past and most of the time don't really reflect who we are right now, in the present moment. Maybe we tell ourselves these stories because they are comfortable, and who would we be without them? That's the scary part. But if you want to grow, to change, to mature and move forward, you have to be willing to embrace new stories about yourself. Especially if the stories that we're telling are negative. No longer are you that person who can't do this, will never do that. If you want to now, what's holding you back? You. I know that at the end of my time here on this earth, I want to know that I've taken the journey and lived as full of a life that I could, and that I pursued my dreams, and that I wasn't afraid to step out of my own idea of myself and discover new things.

Quote for the Week.

The Future....

I have booked my first EQUITY show! 

More details to come as soon as I see my contract!

These are words that I wrote in this blog about one year ago...

I hope that a year from today, the negative behaviors that I've struggled with for years will finally be a thing that is in the past. I want to be in a place where I'm auditioning, hopefully I've booked the next job, and have settled comfortably in my new apartment with E. I hope that I will have gained a stronger connection to my spirit, and a confidence that has seemed to elude me for so long. I also want to incorporate some new things into my life: a regular yoga practice, more journaling, spending more time in nature, finding new hobbies, and taking more risks with my career.

 Well, I can definitely say that I've taken steps towards all of these goals. Have I perfected and reached each and every one? No, but it's nice to be able to look back and remind  myself of the things that I still want in my  life, and to keep striving towards these things. I think what I'm learning is that everything takes time- Rome wasn't built in a day (to use a cheesy quote)- and it's true.

Quote for the week.

Quote for the week.

Back from the 'Spray....

Our poster in the lobby of the theatre.

I guess I needed a moment to decompress from the extremely challenging process that was Hairspray at The Palace Theatre in Manchester, NH. The fastest rehearsal process EVER. Did I mention that I did Superstar for 4 years? Yes, everyone knows that by now, so just imagine me learning a brand new show for the first time in 4 years. And being chosen to be in an ensemble of professional dancers, of which I am not. Our director was a professional dancer and choreographer, and he gleaned some inspiration for the biggest number, "You Can't Stop The Beat" from the Australian version of So You Think You Can Dance. Look for it on YouTube and you'll see why this was a challenge!

I cried the first day of rehearsal because in my mind, I did not belong in this show. What a grueling process! I relearned the meaning of discipline and dedication because if I did not have these things, there was NO WAY that I was going to be able to keep up with the pace of the process and of the show in general. I was constantly practicing dance moves, asking for help, and luckily the cast was awesome and so many people stepped in to help me break down each and every move in all the dances so that I was able to get it. And I got it! By the time we opened, I was a dancing fool with the rest of em! I worked really hard, and I enjoyed every single minute of it, no matter if I was crying or laughing. It really stretched me as a performer, and taught me some lessons about what I need to be doing to make it in this business. I know that I can dance- I don't have 2 left feet- BUT- I need to be in dance classes, if only so that I can learn to pick up the choreography that is given to me quicker. And also to relearn some basic dance moves that I knew way back in high school when I was going to dance class 3 or 4 times a week. ATS was not kidding when she said that I needed to be taking dance classes, and voice lessons, and almost 10 years later, she is right. If I'm not performing, I still need to be practicing and learning and just growing as a performer! And doing Hairspray lit the fire beneath my butt. I finally can say that yes, there is life after tour! I don't know what's in store for me next, but I feel good. I feel happy that I was able to be in a new show, and I want to do more!

a set piece, the poster was later removed to reveal the real 'Dynamites' during "Welcome to the 60s"!

This clip is from a performance we had to do @ the mall in Manchester. I've never had to dance in public like this. It was really fun!

Quote for the Week.

Love and Opportunity.

Thanks to my friend and former Soul Sister, N.M., I am now apart of the cast of Hairspray playing at the Palace Theatre in Manchester, NH! I will be a Dynamite, which is essentially like being a Soul Sister in Superstar. I am extremely thankful for this new opportunity. I'm always amazed at how the Universe works. This is just what I needed! I am very nervous though, because it's been a long long while since I've had to learn a new show and I worry about whether I'll be able to keep up with the quick rehearsal process. So I am going to throw myself into it all and allow myself to learn and grow and do the best job that I can possibly do! What's great about this gig is that I'll be able to come back to the city after opening weekend, sub for a few days, then take the bus back up to Manchester, and it'll be like that for the run of the show, which is through May 14th. 

Once the show's through, it'll be back to auditioning and substituting, with some other things thrown in that I am really looking forward to. Going to see a Phish concert with E. over Memorial Day weekend at Woodstock, heading to Florida for E's grandmother's 90th birthday bash, and hopefully the 3 day festival that Phish is putting on during the weekend before the 4th of July- lots of camping and great music and warm weather. Just what I have been yearning for!

And on top of all of that, April 15th is our 3 year anniversary! I'm sad that I'll be in rehearsals this year and won't be able to spend the day with E., but we planned to celebrate when he comes up to see Hairspray and visit, and also when we head to Woodstock for the concert. I feel so blessed that we are still as happy and in love with each other as we were 3 years ago. I am excited for what the future holds for us, and thankful for all of the everyday things we do together! Just being able to come home after a ridiculous day of substituting and see him makes it all better and worthwhile. I just feel really blessed that we found each other.

The Safehouse in Milwaukee, WI where we started dating in 2008

revisiting The Safehouse in 2010 on tour

On Hold.

This is the state of my life right now. And honestly, there isn't much to be done about it. What I can do is try to get myself in order over the next 2 or 3 months and place myself in a better position financially. And once I am there (not talking about a million dollars here, but at least to make more than just enough for bills and food) then I will be able to invest in the things that I think will help me take my passion in life back into my career path. So, for now, I wait. I gather my resources until it's time to put them to work.

Quote for the Week.

Visions for the Present.

Running. I  miss it terribly. Had to freeze my gym membership because it was too expensive. So running outside to the track at Astoria Park is my new thing. Once the weather decides to cooperate.

Weekly yoga practice, because I know it makes me feel calm and balanced, and hopefully I'll live with less anxiety.

Becoming a member of Actors' Equity aka booking another SHOW!

Singing the music I love with my own Band behind me.

Some new clothes...it's been more than a few years since I've been shopping for ME.

Time to pursue hobbies.

A vacation or two. Or a weekend away somewhere. I really miss traveling to different places.

Trying and trying to make all of these a reality. Trying a new game plan with money. It's called having a budget (Surprise! I hope you all can catch my sarcasm and silliness). Hopefully E and I can learn to budget better for the apartment so at least we will have a stash of cash for all things that concern us living in this space together. I know we can do it. The winter has been hard. Very hard. Work has been slow for E this winter, and now it's finally picking up, and that's a good thing. Spring is on the way. Another good thing. I have tentative plans to make things better for myself. Spending less and simplifying as many things as possible, but having enough for what I need in life right now. I posted on Facebook the other day about how, so close to a year of not touring, I am still feeling like THAT was my normal life, and all of this I have here, is not normal, or comfortable for me. I just haven't found my stride here, my routine here, any success here. Well that's not entirely true, the fact that I've been able to survive with the bare minimum of money available to me has been something, but it's no way to  live. Everything has been trial and error for months. Discovering what works and what doesn't work. Little adjustments here and there. But sometimes it can be extremely overwhelming and depressing to think about how I am no where near where I want to be in terms of living my life. Still in that holding pattern. And am I somehow keeping myself here? I don't know the answer to that. I think about it though. All of the talk about how your thoughts, past and present, bring you to where you are this very moment. Gotta work on changing those thoughts. Throwing out the old scripts and starting fresh. Letting it go. The past, I mean. It's gone, and it's not fair to me that I should hold on to it and sabotage anything that could bloom here in the present.

I need a game changer. Or maybe I just need to stop waiting for that big 'thing' that will change everything and just become the change. I should be the change in my life. Waiting for something to come along and make everything better seems kind of stupid, because deep down I know that if I don't fight to change, nothing will happen for me. So let's see what I can do this week. I'll be back to talk about it soon enough.

Quote for the Week.

Video of the Week. "Guilty!"

New Week, New Frame of Mind...

My 2011 planner. A change from my black standard.

This past week was a rough week. Rough. And even though I only substituted for 2 days, it felt like torture each day. Maybe it was because each time I arrived in the morning and walked into the office, I was given the WORST possible schedule. Covering the gym teacher. Already bad, especially when they don't leave anything for you to do, especially when you have the toughest upper grade classes in the building. Kids screaming and yelling, throwing paper airplanes, walking out of the room, listening to their iPods and swearing as if I wasn't there. Attitudes galore and absolutely No Respect. Being in this kind of environment really brings me down. Not to say that everyday has been like this, but it seems lately I have been attracting these kinds of days. I don't want them anymore. I want to semi enjoy my 'day job,' especially since it is the only thing bringing in money right now. These kinds of days cause me to spiral into negativity. Everything seems harder, goals seem further away. Going to the gym after traveling home seems impossible. Eating right? Heck no! I need comfort food because I don't want to cry after a bad day. Stuff it down. Doesn't matter how many articles I read that talk about positivity, I can't seem to get there. This has been the last two weeks.

I bought this on tour. I may not be traveling from city to city, but I am still traveling.

I need to change this, or else I will have completely sabotaged myself before I even attempt to reach my other goals. Auditioning, new head shots, getting back in shape, etc, etc. So this week, I am bringing an army of things with me to work everyday to hopefully counteract the negativity and anxiety that I'm feeling. I can't take those feelings anymore. I'll have my iPod everyday, a book to read, my journal for quick entries, my brand new planner I ordered, and just a calm mantra in my head to try and get me through. I have to try to remember that this is a challenge, and I will learn something through this experience that will make me stronger and better able to handle whatever is next for me.

This book calms me every single time I read it.

8 months?

Has it really been almost 8 months since the last Jesus Christ Superstar performance? It kind of hit me today. 2011 is here, and it will be the first year since 2005 that there is not national tour of JCS in my life. Has half a decade of my life really been spent doing that show? Traveling? Living out of a suitcase? Yes, it has. And now I am in the midst of furnishing and decorating our apartment. My home space. My permanent space. We've lived in Astoria for 2 months now, and only NOW have we finally bought a couch. And a coffee table. And we'll even have a kitchen table too! These items that people take for granted, we will have in one week. It's going to change our place even more. It will feel like a real living space. Not a hotel room, or the kitchen/living room of a rock star tour bus. The living room of our apartment. Talk about slow going. That pretty much where I am right now. I feel like I want to be starting up a million new things: yoga classes, pilates, dance classes, voice lessons, auditions, new headshots, commercial classes, and the list goes on and on, and it is slow going. It seems to be taking forever to make any of these things happen. I realize that money is a factor, but I also realize that in trying to choose the day job that I know I can make the money I need to make, my day job is now taking up the majority of my day. Commuting to and from work takes up almost as much time as the actual work itself! Not to mention the money spent on commuting. I could be using that money to take all of the classes and voice lessons that I want to take! So I'm starting to find myself stuck. And impatient because it's been 8 months since Superstar ended, and I am really no closer to anything that I've been striving towards. The apartment is coming along, but the other things I need for me seem to be far away.

I have started reading some inspirational material again, this time in the form of websites, since I don't have the money to buy books. One website is TinyBuddha, which has tons of articles on everything that you could be feeling or wanting to focus on in your personal journey. The words of wisdom have been very inspirational to me, and are getting me through my days. The other is a website that is based on the 3 page writing exercise that is in The Artist's Way. You go to this website and you write 750 words about anything and everything that is on your mind. I love it and wish I had found it on tour because then I wouldn't have had to carry around an extra notebook to write in. I type much faster anyway, so I feel like I get a better stream of conscious. The writing allows me to get out all the things that are always running in my mind, and make some sense of it. So I can start small with my dreams. Set little goals, and do one thing at a time. What can I do this week? There is an audition, which half of me is saying that I'm not ready for, I need to do all of these other things in order to be ready, but the other half of me is saying I need to start getting out there and taking risks, because the level of perfection that I think I need to bring just doesn't exist. So maybe I will go. Take that risk. Maybe I will go to a pilates class or two this week too. Maybe I can try writing my 750 words every day this week. Baby steps.

New Year's Eve 2010

“If you focus on results, you will never change. If you focus on change, you will get results.” ~Jack Dixon

TinyBuddha