New Week, New Frame of Mind...

My 2011 planner. A change from my black standard.

This past week was a rough week. Rough. And even though I only substituted for 2 days, it felt like torture each day. Maybe it was because each time I arrived in the morning and walked into the office, I was given the WORST possible schedule. Covering the gym teacher. Already bad, especially when they don't leave anything for you to do, especially when you have the toughest upper grade classes in the building. Kids screaming and yelling, throwing paper airplanes, walking out of the room, listening to their iPods and swearing as if I wasn't there. Attitudes galore and absolutely No Respect. Being in this kind of environment really brings me down. Not to say that everyday has been like this, but it seems lately I have been attracting these kinds of days. I don't want them anymore. I want to semi enjoy my 'day job,' especially since it is the only thing bringing in money right now. These kinds of days cause me to spiral into negativity. Everything seems harder, goals seem further away. Going to the gym after traveling home seems impossible. Eating right? Heck no! I need comfort food because I don't want to cry after a bad day. Stuff it down. Doesn't matter how many articles I read that talk about positivity, I can't seem to get there. This has been the last two weeks.

I bought this on tour. I may not be traveling from city to city, but I am still traveling.

I need to change this, or else I will have completely sabotaged myself before I even attempt to reach my other goals. Auditioning, new head shots, getting back in shape, etc, etc. So this week, I am bringing an army of things with me to work everyday to hopefully counteract the negativity and anxiety that I'm feeling. I can't take those feelings anymore. I'll have my iPod everyday, a book to read, my journal for quick entries, my brand new planner I ordered, and just a calm mantra in my head to try and get me through. I have to try to remember that this is a challenge, and I will learn something through this experience that will make me stronger and better able to handle whatever is next for me.

This book calms me every single time I read it.

8 months?

Has it really been almost 8 months since the last Jesus Christ Superstar performance? It kind of hit me today. 2011 is here, and it will be the first year since 2005 that there is not national tour of JCS in my life. Has half a decade of my life really been spent doing that show? Traveling? Living out of a suitcase? Yes, it has. And now I am in the midst of furnishing and decorating our apartment. My home space. My permanent space. We've lived in Astoria for 2 months now, and only NOW have we finally bought a couch. And a coffee table. And we'll even have a kitchen table too! These items that people take for granted, we will have in one week. It's going to change our place even more. It will feel like a real living space. Not a hotel room, or the kitchen/living room of a rock star tour bus. The living room of our apartment. Talk about slow going. That pretty much where I am right now. I feel like I want to be starting up a million new things: yoga classes, pilates, dance classes, voice lessons, auditions, new headshots, commercial classes, and the list goes on and on, and it is slow going. It seems to be taking forever to make any of these things happen. I realize that money is a factor, but I also realize that in trying to choose the day job that I know I can make the money I need to make, my day job is now taking up the majority of my day. Commuting to and from work takes up almost as much time as the actual work itself! Not to mention the money spent on commuting. I could be using that money to take all of the classes and voice lessons that I want to take! So I'm starting to find myself stuck. And impatient because it's been 8 months since Superstar ended, and I am really no closer to anything that I've been striving towards. The apartment is coming along, but the other things I need for me seem to be far away.

I have started reading some inspirational material again, this time in the form of websites, since I don't have the money to buy books. One website is TinyBuddha, which has tons of articles on everything that you could be feeling or wanting to focus on in your personal journey. The words of wisdom have been very inspirational to me, and are getting me through my days. The other is a website that is based on the 3 page writing exercise that is in The Artist's Way. You go to this website and you write 750 words about anything and everything that is on your mind. I love it and wish I had found it on tour because then I wouldn't have had to carry around an extra notebook to write in. I type much faster anyway, so I feel like I get a better stream of conscious. The writing allows me to get out all the things that are always running in my mind, and make some sense of it. So I can start small with my dreams. Set little goals, and do one thing at a time. What can I do this week? There is an audition, which half of me is saying that I'm not ready for, I need to do all of these other things in order to be ready, but the other half of me is saying I need to start getting out there and taking risks, because the level of perfection that I think I need to bring just doesn't exist. So maybe I will go. Take that risk. Maybe I will go to a pilates class or two this week too. Maybe I can try writing my 750 words every day this week. Baby steps.

New Year's Eve 2010

“If you focus on results, you will never change. If you focus on change, you will get results.” ~Jack Dixon

TinyBuddha 


 

My First 'Gig'.

So....tomorrow night I have a 'gig' at Teddy's Bar and Grill in Brooklyn. I'm going to be singing 4 jazz standards with a band that I randomly sang with when E, B, and I went to see D on Halloween weekend. D got up and sang "What A Wonderful World" and then talked with the guys to get me in on the action. So I sang "At Last," and it wasn't half bad. Another reason why I love E so much: he talked to those guys for at least 20 minutes or so and managed to convince them that they were going to call me to do some more stuff. And they did! So I met with the band leader last week to try to figure out some songs we could do, and we came up with "At Last" again, "Unforgettable," "My Romance," and "They Can't Take That Away From Me." So that's what I'll be singing tomorrow night. I'm so nervous! I don't really have much experience singing with a jazz band, so I just don't want to mess up too bad. I want to be good, because I could really see myself trying to get into this live singing at different places thing. Maybe even turn it into a cabaret. I guess if anything, I feel like I'm getting these little signs here and there that are pointing me towards this. I saw a friend of E's family, Avery Summers, do her caberet a month or so ago, and she sang all the songs I loved, and I kept thinking that I should be up there doing what she was doing. And then I meet this band, and then E's parents send me a book on Lena Horne's life, and it was just an eye opener. Also, I've been doing a little catering around the city, and at all the major events, there is usually a live band, and I just can't help but spend most of my work time tuned into what the band is doing, and how the singer sounds, and again, it's like I hear a call....that yeah, maybe I can DO that! Who knows where it would lead. I'm not giving up on the theatre world, once I get my new headshots, and get my financial situation figured out, I WILL be auditioning again.

I just keep looking at facebook, and I see where a lot of people my age are at, and I feel like so many people have settled into where they want to be career wise in their life, and I definitely don't think I'm there yet.. I just feel like I'm on the brink of accomplishing so many things that I wanted, and now that I'm here in New York, I've really got to take advantage of it. I am so blessed to be working, and to have a roof over my head, and someone who loves me just for who I am, and who believes in me with his whole heart. I am lucky my parents are still supportive of my dreams, and haven't told me that I need to rethink ANYTHING. I'm just feeling like I need to start doing all the things that I've been dreaming of for so long.

So I'm going to need all the positivity and good thoughts coming my way tomorrow night. I'm excited by all the possibility!

Miss Lena Horne, an inspiration

another year older....

This past Wednesday was my 26th birthday. I can't believe I've been on this planet 26 years! Instead of feeling like, wow I'm getting older, getting close to 30, old, etc, etc...I'm trying to feel blessed that I'm able to have another year of my life to live. It's an open book. Everything I do is new and something that I haven't done before. This time last year, I was living a routine that I was completely familiar with, and now, I am creating a new one from scratch. 

It goes along with the birthday present that E gave to me. It's a charm representing my 3rd chakra, which is the one that I find I need to balance the most in my life. Here's some 'info' about our 3rd chakras:

"Your third chakra handles the energy of your personal power, self-esteem and personality. Your third chakra is the place where you learn to create boundaries for yourself. Issues such as trust, fear of rejection, self image are all part of this chakra. This is the center for action, energy and power.

"In opening your third chakra, you may reach deep into your own sense of self and find your balance or boundary point. This point is the use of personal power as a weaver of inner and outer power. You have the power to create and accomplish, rather than the power over something or someone. In other words, you have the ability to manifest in the physical world"

Looking back on some of the issues I've dealt with in my life, a lot of them seem to relate to my 3rd chakra being blocked. When I can focus on trusting myself and allowing myself to be free to try things and create, I feel much better, more in touch with my own inner power.

Knowing that E actually has listened to me when I've talked about this stuff with him and mentioned that I liked the necklace in passing almost 2 years ago means a lot to me...

I keep thinking to myself that these next few months are a transitioning time fore me. And I shouldn't be afraid of anything that's to come in my life, or worry that I won't make it to where I want to be. I just have to allow myself to be.

I want 26 to be a revelation for me. I want to get to a new level of being in my life. It's very exciting to think about what I can accomplish or be when I can allow myself to just be.

Some birthday photos!!

Daron and Anthony

Birthday Boy and Birthday Girl <3

My bestie Jnelly and I.

Harlem Lanes Bowling Alley for the party!

My moo, Lorelei!

Birthday love!

Jnelly and Daronika starting a girl group.

Birthday Boy having a good time!

The ladies!