My First 'Gig'.

So....tomorrow night I have a 'gig' at Teddy's Bar and Grill in Brooklyn. I'm going to be singing 4 jazz standards with a band that I randomly sang with when E, B, and I went to see D on Halloween weekend. D got up and sang "What A Wonderful World" and then talked with the guys to get me in on the action. So I sang "At Last," and it wasn't half bad. Another reason why I love E so much: he talked to those guys for at least 20 minutes or so and managed to convince them that they were going to call me to do some more stuff. And they did! So I met with the band leader last week to try to figure out some songs we could do, and we came up with "At Last" again, "Unforgettable," "My Romance," and "They Can't Take That Away From Me." So that's what I'll be singing tomorrow night. I'm so nervous! I don't really have much experience singing with a jazz band, so I just don't want to mess up too bad. I want to be good, because I could really see myself trying to get into this live singing at different places thing. Maybe even turn it into a cabaret. I guess if anything, I feel like I'm getting these little signs here and there that are pointing me towards this. I saw a friend of E's family, Avery Summers, do her caberet a month or so ago, and she sang all the songs I loved, and I kept thinking that I should be up there doing what she was doing. And then I meet this band, and then E's parents send me a book on Lena Horne's life, and it was just an eye opener. Also, I've been doing a little catering around the city, and at all the major events, there is usually a live band, and I just can't help but spend most of my work time tuned into what the band is doing, and how the singer sounds, and again, it's like I hear a call....that yeah, maybe I can DO that! Who knows where it would lead. I'm not giving up on the theatre world, once I get my new headshots, and get my financial situation figured out, I WILL be auditioning again.

I just keep looking at facebook, and I see where a lot of people my age are at, and I feel like so many people have settled into where they want to be career wise in their life, and I definitely don't think I'm there yet.. I just feel like I'm on the brink of accomplishing so many things that I wanted, and now that I'm here in New York, I've really got to take advantage of it. I am so blessed to be working, and to have a roof over my head, and someone who loves me just for who I am, and who believes in me with his whole heart. I am lucky my parents are still supportive of my dreams, and haven't told me that I need to rethink ANYTHING. I'm just feeling like I need to start doing all the things that I've been dreaming of for so long.

So I'm going to need all the positivity and good thoughts coming my way tomorrow night. I'm excited by all the possibility!

Miss Lena Horne, an inspiration

another year older....

This past Wednesday was my 26th birthday. I can't believe I've been on this planet 26 years! Instead of feeling like, wow I'm getting older, getting close to 30, old, etc, etc...I'm trying to feel blessed that I'm able to have another year of my life to live. It's an open book. Everything I do is new and something that I haven't done before. This time last year, I was living a routine that I was completely familiar with, and now, I am creating a new one from scratch. 

It goes along with the birthday present that E gave to me. It's a charm representing my 3rd chakra, which is the one that I find I need to balance the most in my life. Here's some 'info' about our 3rd chakras:

"Your third chakra handles the energy of your personal power, self-esteem and personality. Your third chakra is the place where you learn to create boundaries for yourself. Issues such as trust, fear of rejection, self image are all part of this chakra. This is the center for action, energy and power.

"In opening your third chakra, you may reach deep into your own sense of self and find your balance or boundary point. This point is the use of personal power as a weaver of inner and outer power. You have the power to create and accomplish, rather than the power over something or someone. In other words, you have the ability to manifest in the physical world"

Looking back on some of the issues I've dealt with in my life, a lot of them seem to relate to my 3rd chakra being blocked. When I can focus on trusting myself and allowing myself to be free to try things and create, I feel much better, more in touch with my own inner power.

Knowing that E actually has listened to me when I've talked about this stuff with him and mentioned that I liked the necklace in passing almost 2 years ago means a lot to me...

I keep thinking to myself that these next few months are a transitioning time fore me. And I shouldn't be afraid of anything that's to come in my life, or worry that I won't make it to where I want to be. I just have to allow myself to be.

I want 26 to be a revelation for me. I want to get to a new level of being in my life. It's very exciting to think about what I can accomplish or be when I can allow myself to just be.

Some birthday photos!!

Daron and Anthony

Birthday Boy and Birthday Girl <3

My bestie Jnelly and I.

Harlem Lanes Bowling Alley for the party!

My moo, Lorelei!

Birthday love!

Jnelly and Daronika starting a girl group.

Birthday Boy having a good time!

The ladies!

warming up to city life.

Today will mark the 2nd week E and I have been living in our place in Harlem, and I can't believe it's been 2 weeks already! It's been a little crazy for the both of us, especially E, because he started a waiter job at a place called Bar30 in Rockefeller Center literally 6 days after we moved in, and he's been working 12 hour shifts everyday since he started. I started working at Bar30 this past Wednesday, and it's the first job I've had waiting tables ever in my life. I was very very nervous about it, and I have always been nervous about waiting tables, which is why I never tried to do it. But- if I didn't take advantage of this opportunity I would be crazy because the money is AWESOME, and I really need the money. The bar is only going to be open until the end of August, and then E and I may have the opportunity to get hired in the restaurant that is affiliated with this one, called AJ Maxwell's. So hopefully that will work out- especially for E, I know he wants to keep having steady work.

I have to admit, waiting tables hasn't been as bad as I thought it was going to be, BUT- yesterday was my first day spending my whole shift (7 hours or so) with a section of tables. And I made some mistakes, and I got really scared, and then I felt stupid at some points for making stupid errors, but what can you do? I guess that's how I learn. Our manager (who is good friends with one of E's friends, which is how we got the job) is so much fun to work for. He's laid back, but still professional, and he's very supportive. We get to listen to people's iPod's on the speakers in the restaurants, and everyone I've met so far has been really nice. It's pooled tips so we are like a team. I'm glad that this will be my first waiting experience!

Since I haven't been working everyday, and E has, I've taken on some projects in the apartment that I'd never thought I'd do! I put our bed together using wrenches and I painted the bathroom all by myself! :-p It looks nice, and these things definitely had to be done, whether E was here to help me or not. But I am proud of myself for doing them.

And you know what? I'm proud of myself for taking on this new job even though it scared the crap out of me. I'm also happy that I went on a random audition last Monday, and now I'm going to be singing in the ensemble for a recording of the Lion King with Stage Stars Records! The album will be sold on iTunes and at Colony Music Center in Times Square. It's like a karaoke version that people can buy the album and practice with the accompaniment, or with the vocal tracks, to learn the music for the show. That's pretty cool. I'm excited to be working on new music, and I'm happy that I can add something new to my resume'!

I guess that's city life so far...I've been fortunate enough to be hanging out with my best friend DR a lot, and he's been so great with helping E and I move stuff in and move stuff around in the apartment, and just being a good friend to me through everything. I'm also happy because today I will get to hang with  my other best friend whom I haven't seen in over a year now, L. She was my roommate the first 2 years of the JCS tour, and we also lived together in Astoria for a year, and I've been very sad that we haven't really been keeping in touch, or seeing each other, but hopefully today will be great for us to catch up and have some fun!

I've definitely missed this city, and I'm glad to call it my home again.

welcome to harlem...

Moving isn't easy, but that's okay, because I am absolutely in LOVE with our new apartment. I am thankful for Y for giving us the opportunity to have this wonderful space for not a lot of money. It's definitely a work in progress, but we are making changes little by little, and it's starting to feel more like Ours....

updates, updates.

I just wanted to give a quick update, with more to come when I am back in New York. As of August 1, we'll be living in Harlem, across from the Absyinnian Baptist Church, off of Striver's Row. It's a little further up than we were originally looking, but since we are subletting from a good friend of mine, the rent is much cheaper and we have a 2 bedroom apartment!! It seems a little surreal that it worked out the way it did, saving us the broker fees, security deposits, and a week of looking at apartments, but it seems like divine intervention. It works for us, it works out for my friend, and everybody's happy! So I'll be flying home on the 29th of July to start packing up all of my crap, and E is going to meet me sometime during that weekend to start the move! It's going to feel so wonderful to be living somewhere, on my terms, in control of everything around me. I cannot wait! More to come as the moving date gets closer!!!

finally...

Waiting, and waiting. That's what it seemed like I had been doing forever. In fact, I was waiting for going on 5 weeks for something to happen with my unemployment. After being told last Tuesday that I had to wait for a letter telling me whether or not I was denied or would be receiving unemployment, I was very frustrated. 7-10 days for a simple decision? It was either yes, or no. Monday rolls around and still no letter. So I go online to the Maryland Unemployment website, and I look to see if there is any way that I can find out whether or not they were paying me. There was and so I checked, and lo and behold, there it was: the page showing me that I had been allotted the money that they owed me for those 5 weeks. THANK GOD! Immediately I screamed and felt the world lift off of my shoulders again.

So here I am, back on financial track, and feeling like I can take part in my life again. Money is a big deal, at least for me. It's not that I want to have a lot of money- it's just that I want to have enough to survive on a day-to-day basis. And now I have that again, and it feels good. I can put back the money I took out of my savings account (plus a little more) and feel good knowing that, yes, I AM moving in August. It's going to work out now. 

E and I backstage after a show in Tempe, AZ

I'll be flying out to Florida tomorrow to finally be with E. It's also been 5 weeks since the last time we were together, so I am very excited to see him, to say the least. And this time it's going to be different for us, because, unless one of us gets a job and we have to be apart for that, we will no longer be a 'long-distance' couple. We met and starting dating while doing JCS in 2008, and every time one part of the tour ended and we had some months before the next go round started, we were long distance, since E is from Florida and I'm from New York. So we visited each other back and forth throughout the past 2 years, and we finally were 'roommates' on this last leg of Superstar. It was great, and really showed us that we really could and really wanted to have a place together. E is going to make the move with me to NYC in August, which is kind of a big deal, since neither of us have ever moved in or lived with a significant other before. It'll be different than just sharing a hotel room together, but it just feels right, and we both feel like it's the next step for us to take. I couldn't be happier.

So here's to my mini-vacation in Florida with my Sugar (yes, that's what I call him)- I'm hoping that we have a wonderful time together, since we finally get to take a real vacation (going somewhere fun without having to do a 5 show weekend, or an 8 show week) this coming Saturday. And then we are going to see some Phish shows 4th of July weekend, so it's going to be a blast for the next few weeks!

bumps in the road...

Right now, I am what you'd call an...unemployed singer/actor. I have not auditioned for anything since I've come home from Superstar. I decided that I need a moment to figure out where my life is actually headed before I jump into that whole musical theatre cattle call scene. I've been home with my parents for the past month or so, and my original plan was to substitute teach while I was home, so I could make some money and be okay for the summer. Here's the thing about that: the payroll schedule for substituting in Paterson, NJ is dumb. And by dumb, I mean, if I started working the week I was home, early May, I wouldn't get a paycheck until June 15th for all of that work, and that paycheck would only have 2 days of work on it, and then I would have to wait until the end of June for a substantial paycheck. Being that I have a lot of bills to pay (cell phone, health insurance, student loans, and 2 credit cards), this was not an option. I was happy though, because I knew that I could go on unemployment for couple of months until August when I moved into the city again. So, I had money in my savings account for the apartment, and I was going to be able to live off of my unemployment. Good deal. Enter the bump in my road. After waiting 4 week for my unemployment to clear, I get a letter from them saying that I needed to have an appointment, because according to the Paterson Board of Education, I was "discharged." WHAT? Mind you, I'd been receiving calls from subfinder to come in and substitute to the point where I put the 'unavailable' on my number because I wasn't going to come in. But I was NOT fired. So after trying to speak with the happy, helpful people who worked in the unemployment office in Maryland, I was forced to wait until this past Tuesday for my "appointment."

On a side note, I have come to realize that there has been a pattern/cycle that I've been falling into probably since my senior year of college. It's my inability to really a) save money, and b) have enough money to live and pay my bills. After years of overdrafting and accumulating a credit card debt that haunts my dreams, I thought that over this past year or so, I was FINALLY getting my sh*t together. I got a checking account that I could not overdraft from even if I tried, I opened a savings account and was planning to save money on this last leg of tour, and I was working and living and paying my bills on time. Until this unemployment mess.

I was anxiously awaiting Tuesday and what would happen, and hoping and praying that this would be something that I could easily fix. I was never fired, someone must have made a mistake, I just ended a contract, and I am unemployed. Pretty simple. Until the phone conversation with my "case worker." He seemed so confused by the idea that as a substitute teacher, I worked when I was available to work, and when I wasn't available, I didn't work. I've been doing this on and off since 2005. Never a problem. He made me feel like I was lying to him about being fired, and that I didn't understand the system. I cried, I begged for a way to figure it all out. And then he asks about my last job (Superstar). How did he not have that information already? I've been filing every two weeks for the last month, so clearly, that information should already be there. He says he spoke with Paterson and the rest gets confusing. I think he said that I must have quit, since I was no longer able to work there now. Not true. I'm unavailable until next school year. But he insisted that it meant that I quit. Fine, but who said I was fired? No answer on that. He says that he's going to do everything he can to make it work somehow, and that I had to fax him my last pay stub from Superstar. And give him all the info about the employer (again, how did he NOT have that already?) So I faxed him all the info, and heard nothing back. I called yesterday to try to get in touch with him, and the best that I could do was to speak with a woman who put me on hold to go talk to him to ask if he got everything I faxed and if there was anything else that I could do, or needed to do. Nothing I could do. She then told me that I had to wait 7-10 more days for his "decision." Seriously?

 So here I am, waiting again. This coming Sunday will be the 3rd time I've filed my unemployment stuff. They owe me 3 checks. I have not received anything. And I still have to wait for a 'decision.' I've had to use the money that I saved from Superstar to pay my bills for this month. The only money I have left right now is the other chunk of money that I have saved for the apartment in NYC. At least my bills are paid, but I am scared as to what's going to happen. I am praying that they will 'decide' in my favor and I can get the money I am owed, which will put me back on financial track and ready to move. If not, I'm going to have to rethink everything. I already booked a plane ticket to Florida on the 16th, so I'm going no matter what. I'm trying not to feel like a victim, because that's not what I am, but I can't help but wonder why this had to happen now? When I've worked so hard to try to maintain and save, one person's mistake can screw it all up. It's forcing me really to take everything one day at a time, and to focus only on what's happening now, because I have no choice. I don't know when I'm going to get this letter, and I can't think and stress about it everyday. I just hope that it's all going to work out in the end. So I can get a fresh start on my  life. I wanted to leave all of that financial crap behind with Superstar. Release it, and start anew. I'm praying for the chance to do that.

'Release'

After spending the last few weeks reading blogs that covered everything from my friend's lives to bikram yoga, I recently stumbled upon a blog by a woman named Christine Kane. In one of her articles, she talks about setting one word as an intention for your whole year. It was supposed to be an alternative to the New Year's resolutions that people make every year that they usually don't follow through on. Given that I feel like I am starting a brand new year, a year in which Jesus Christ Superstar will not be on the horizon, I'm going to try to set my intention for the next year of my life without it.

Here's a little of what she says about intention and choosing a word:

What I’ve learned from putting this ritual into practice is that Intention — even in the form of a single word — is unfathomably powerful. Resolutions are fine, but they are often motivated by “shoulds.” As such, they remain trapped in the “Should Realm” — in our heads.

A word, however, contains energy, images and meaning. These are things our hearts and souls get excited about. And this is how transformation begins. Rarely does deep transformation happen because of “Shoulds.”


If I tried to embrace this word, I would start to cultivate a feeling of peace, and by releasing my hold on things that either don't fit into my life anymore, or are finished, I would feel more confident to try the things that I've been keeping in my mind for quite a while. As much as I've lived in an environment in which change is a huge part (changing hotels, changing cities, changing cast members), this time is different because that environment that I've lived with is gone. So now there is a huge empty space that I have to fill, and I don't want to be afraid of that emptiness. If I'm afraid, then I'm going to cling to the past, and cling to those behaviors that don't fit into this new part of my life.

I hope that a year from today, the negative behaviors that I've struggled with for years will finally be a thing that is in the past. I want to be in a place where I'm auditioning, hopefully I've booked the next job, and have settled comfortably in my new apartment with E. I hope that I will have gained a stronger connection to my spirit, and a confidence that has seemed to elude me for so long. I also want to incorporate some new things into my life: a regular yoga practice, more journaling, spending more time in nature, finding new hobbies, and taking more risks with my career.

sailing in Florida 2009

So here's to releasing my hold on the past, embracing the emptiness, and allowing it to fill up with bigger and better things.

spiritual awakenings

~This is a very trying time when doubt is cast on your most cherished ideals and lofty dreams. If you are a religious person, you may have the sobering realization of inconsistencies in your spiritual philosophy or hypocrisies within the church. Doubts about your spiritual path can bring you to a crossroads in your thinking and attitude toward life. It is common for the current energy to bring about a general feeling of discontent with life, lack of motivation and energy and negative attitudes and moods, perhaps without any apparent cause. These can lead you to poor health habits such as insufficient exercise, eating junk food, smoking and drinking to excess. Fight off these negative tendencies by taking a more active interest in spiritual, religious, idealistic and charitable activities~

  

It seems to me that over the past 3 years or so, my spirituality has been evolving. Evolving away from the Catholic Church and into something that is more...creator based? For example, something that I cannot seem to reconcile is that people who are 'gay' are wrong, are sinners, are bad people, etc, etc. Some of my closest friends are gay, and they are the most wonderful, loving people I've ever met. Who am I to say that who they choose to love is wrong? And, why is it such a big deal anyway? What about all the other crap going on? The priests who molest little boys, and the fact that many a war has been started in the name of "my religion is right, and yours is wrong"?

When I go to church, the feeling that I had when I was in high school, when I was very much involved and exploring what it meant to be a Catholic, is gone. I am spiritually dry there. I still believe in God, and Jesus, and what that means....but looking at the story of Christ, I feel that the Catholic church has turned into what the Jewish faith was during His time. All robes and rituals and smoke and money. To me, Jesus was beyond that. He was feeling something different. He was with the common people- those who were living their lives the best way they knew how, and who probably were far from perfect. I am finding as I read about religion in the East, that a lot of the messages and teaching of Jesus are similar to Buddhist teachings. The Dalai Lama 'preaches' the same messages of love and how to achieve happiness in his teachings.

I think I'm just traveling a spiritual path that is allowing me to get in touch with my spirit and how it's connected to everything in this world. The energy that flows through me is the same energy that flows through all human beings, all of nature, all of the cosmos, and the Creator him/herself. And what I'd like to focus on is living a life that is constantly in touch with that limitless energy. I've been doing a lot of yoga, something that I've done on and off for the past couple of years, but this time, there's a different feeling to it- my reasons for doing it have changed. So I'm about to start reading about the actual teachings of yoga and the history and what it all means. I've also been reading some books on Buddhist teachings, and I am finding a real connection with what I'm reading. 

Rather than feel disheartened by the fact that my views on religion and spirituality are changing, I'm trying to find new ways to connect with that spirituality that has always been a part of me, even before I became a 'Catholic.'

life after...

For the last four years of my life, I have been on the road with the national tour of a show called Jesus Christ Superstar, on and off. I landed the job in June of 2006, after finishing my bachelor's degree at NYU the month before. I had no idea what I was about to experience. Rehearsals began in August of 2006, and over the past four years, I've seen 48 states, Canada, and over 200 cities. I've done the show over 700 times. I say all of this because, in essence, the show and being on the road was my life. I never had the time after college to settle into a new apartment in the city, continue the relationships that I had made with all my college friends, and hit the audition scene. In the past four years, I moved once, to Astoria, for a year lease, but only stayed in the apartment 4 months before leaving for tour. Permanence was not my thing. Returning each year to the show, friends I had made left, new people were cast, and the experience changed, always in a way that allowed me to grow more. Hotel rooms, upright buses, and finally, a sleeper bus with a bunk were the places I lived life. I broke up with my high school 'sweetheart', met my birth father, finally met my half brother, gained a few friends that have turned into my family, and found the love of a lifetime, all while on the road. I also made mistakes, learned from them, and had enormous amounts of growth and change that have shaped me into the woman I am today. Our show closed in Boston, on May 9th, 2010, and saying goodbye was one of the hardest things that I've done. When you spend so much time with a show, it leaves its mark on your life. The relationships with people, the exchange of energy between the cast, and between the cast and the audience, is something that I can't even describe. I've poured my soul into the show each time it's gone out on the road. The last shows were filled with tears, and a feeling that something important in my life was passing away, and I was mourning it. I still am. And now that the journey has ended, I'm trying to build some semblance of a life from pieces that I've scattered around over the last four years.

part of a large collection of hotel keys accumulated over 5 months

Right now I'm living at home, using this time to 'recover' and get myself together because I'm taking a huge step soon- moving back to NYC, but with my boyfriend of 2 years, whom I met on tour- hopefully by August. It's the beginning of something new, and I'm overjoyed that my love and I are starting it together. I'm hoping that I can settle myself and adjust to living the 'normal' life of an entertainer. I'm hoping that I can use my talents not only in musical theater, but in other areas as well.


I'm hoping that I can use this blog to document and work through whatever 'life after tour' is...

E and I right after the last Superstar show EVER 2010